It’s been my experience that HR folks are beaten down with a constant all-consuming concern they’re going to screw up and cause their company to be sued. They’re absolutely averse to risk, and will not take action of any kind unless there’s almost 100% certainty it won’t come back to haunt them.

Therefore, resumes are scanned (sometimes electronically) for a reason to reject it. That’s their function: to provide HR an excuse not to take further action. Every resume shitcanned is a problem solved, and another risky decision delayed.

I have no proof of this, but I believe the only reason anyone ever gets hired anywhere is because an executive finally blows a gasket and tells HR to quit their freakin' stalling. And unless you come onto the scene at the exact time that hissy-fit is being thrown, you’re screwed, brotha.

And that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid human resources, and going straight to the execs themselves. If my new method bears fruit, you ca

But I'd been with the company for seventeen years, much longer than he'd been around, and had weathered many a storm. It didn’t take much effort to convince myself everything would be fine.

He asked if I could meet him for breakfast the next morning. There was something he needed to talk to me about, and couldn't go into it over the phone. I sensed just the tiniest bit of anxiety in his voice, and it sounded like he might've been calling from an airport.

Gulp.

It's worth noting, I think, that this guy is based in Southern California, and I'm in Scranton. So it wasn't exactly common for him to drop in like this. Something was up, I knew, something I probably wasn't going to enjoy.

And so, over scrambled eggs and bacon, I was gently fired. After seventeen years, in three cities, and across two divisions of the company, it was over. Just like that. They'd decided they only need one facility on the east coast, and mine was the one they were closing. It was a very difficult decision, and we're prepared to offer you a generous severance package... blah blah blah.

I felt like I was going to vomit. I'd been working at that place my entire adult life, it seemed. It was part of me, and I was part of it. And here they were telling me they didn't need me around anymore.

I don't even remember driving home.

Now a few months have passed, and it seems like a hundred years. I've been through the full spectrum of emotions: shock, denial, anger, the contemplation of throwing my face through plate glass, etc. And for some unknown reason I’m now feeling the need to perform an inventory.

What follows is probably more for me than you, but hopefully it's at least semi-useful, or entertaining. Or something.

Here are some of the things I've learned since losing my job...

Internet job sites Like everybody else in my position, I reflexively threw together a resume and posted it to Monster, CareerBuilder, and the other well-known job sites. I figured I’d make it the heart and soul of my search for new employment, since that’s the way it’s apparently done these days. I foolishly expected to receive a few nibbles on the very first day. After all, I'd posted my information before noon.

When that didn’t happen, I told myself not to panic and began applying for jobs listed at each site. I fired off dozens of resumes, and filled out scores of applications, in a wild frenzy of activity that left me feeling exhilarated and certain better days were ahead.

And I might as well have climbed to the top of an elevated bluff somewhere, unzipped my pants, and begun urinating directly into a powerful headwind.

I have never received a single response from anything I’ve done at an internet job site. Since my “breakfast” in February I’ve been on six interviews with three companies, and exactly zero came about because of Monster or CareerBuilder or any of those outfits.

As best as I can tell they’re a complete waste of time, something akin to typing up a resume and cover letter then throwing it all into an open storm drain.

For the most part, I’ve now washed my hands of those websites. Oh, I’m still receiving their emails every day with a list of exciting new opportunities for me. And it’s usually stuff like spinal cord surgeon and assistant key-person at Lids - nothing in between.

I’m convinced internet job sites are the biggest scam this side of corporate consulting.

Human Resources One of the reasons the sites don’t work, I believe, is because resumes and applications get dumped into human resources departments. And human resources is where resumes go to die.

It’s been my experience that HR folks are beaten down with a constant all-consuming concern they’re going to screw up and cause their company to be sued. They’re absolutely averse to risk, and will not take action of any kind unless there’s almost 100% certainty it won’t come back to haunt them.

Therefore, resumes are scanned (sometimes electronically) for a reason to reject it. That’s their function: to provide HR an excuse not to take further action. Every resume shitcanned is a problem solved, and another risky decision delayed.

I have no proof of this, but I believe the only reason anyone ever gets hired anywhere is because an executive finally blows a gasket and tells HR to quit their freakin' stalling. And unless you come onto the scene at the exact time that hissy-fit is being thrown, you’re screwed, brotha.

And that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid human resources, and going straight to the execs themselves. If my new method bears fruit, you can

And so, over scrambled eggs and bacon, I was gently fired. After seventeen years, in three cities, and across two divisions of the company, it was over. Just like that. They'd decided they only need one facility on the east coast, and mine was the one they were closing. It was a very difficult decision, and we're prepared to offer you a generous severance package... blah blah blah.

I felt like I was going to vomit. I'd been working at that place my entire adult life, it seemed. It was part of me, and I was part of it. And here they were telling me they didn't need me around anymore.

I don't even remember driving home.

Now a few months have passed, and it seems like a hundred years. I've been through the full spectrum of emotions: shock, denial, anger, the contemplation of throwing my face through plate glass, etc. And for some unknown reason I’m now feeling the need to perform an inventory.

What follows is probably more for me than you, but hopefully it's at least semi-useful, or entertaining. Or something.

Here are some of the things I've learned since losing my job...

Internet job sites Like everybody else in my position, I reflexively threw together a resume and posted it to Monster, CareerBuilder, and the other well-known job sites. I figured I’d make it the heart and soul of my search for new employment, since that’s the way it’s apparently done these days. I foolishly expected to receive a few nibbles on the very first day. After all, I'd posted my information before noon.

When that didn’t happen, I told myself not to panic and began applying for jobs listed at each site. I fired off dozens of resumes, and filled out scores of applications, in a wild frenzy of activity that left me feeling exhilarated and certain better days were ahead.

And I might as well have climbed to the top of an elevated bluff somewhere, unzipped my pants, and begun urinating directly into a powerful headwind.

I have never received a single response from anything I’ve done at an internet job site. Since my “breakfast” in February I’ve been on six interviews with three companies, and exactly zero came about because of Monster or CareerBuilder or any of those outfits.

As best as I can tell they’re a complete waste of time, something akin to typing up a resume and cover letter then throwing it all into an open storm drain.

For the most part, I’ve now washed my hands of those websites. Oh, I’m still receiving their emails every day with a list of exciting new opportunities for me. And it’s usually stuff like spinal cord surgeon and assistant key-person at Lids - nothing in between.

I’m convinced internet job sites are the biggest scam this side of corporate consulting.

Human Resources One of the reasons the sites don’t work, I believe, is because resumes and applications get dumped into human resources departments. And human resources is where resumes go to die.

It’s been my experience that HR folks are beaten down with a constant all-consuming concern they’re going to screw up and cause their company to be sued. They’re absolutely averse to risk, and will not take action of any kind unless there’s almost 100% certainty it won’t come back to haunt them.

Therefore, resumes are scanned (sometimes electronically) for a reason to reject it. That’s their function: to provide HR an excuse not to take further action. Every resume shitcanned is a problem solved, and another risky decision delayed.

I have no proof of this, but I believe the only reason anyone ever gets hired anywhere is because an executive finally blows a gasket and tells HR to quit their freakin' stalling. And unless you come onto the scene at the exact time that hissy-fit is being thrown, you’re screwed, brotha.

And that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid human resources, and going straight to the execs themselves. If my new method bears fruit, you ca

Here are some of the things I've learned since losing my job...

Internet job sites Like everybody else in my position, I reflexively threw together a resume and posted it to Monster, CareerBuilder, and the other well-known job sites. I figured I’d make it the heart and soul of my search for new employment, since that’s the way it’s apparently done these days. I foolishly expected to receive a few nibbles on the very first day. After all, I'd posted my information before noon.

When that didn’t happen, I told myself not to panic and began applying for jobs listed at each site. I fired off dozens of resumes, and filled out scores of applications, in a wild frenzy of activity that left me feeling exhilarated and certain better days were ahead.

And I might as well have climbed to the top of an elevated bluff somewhere, unzipped my pants, and begun urinating directly into a powerful headwind.

I have never received a single response from anything I’ve done at an internet job site. Since my “breakfast” in February I’ve been on six interviews with three companies, and exactly zero came about because of Monster or CareerBuilder or any of those outfits.

As best as I can tell they’re a complete waste of time, something akin to typing up a resume and cover letter then throwing it all into an open storm drain.

For the most part, I’ve now washed my hands of those websites. Oh, I’m still receiving their emails every day with a list of exciting new opportunities for me. And it’s usually stuff like spinal cord surgeon and assistant key-person at Lids - nothing in between.

I’m convinced internet job sites are the biggest scam this side of corporate consulting.

Human Resources One of the reasons the sites don’t work, I believe, is because resumes and applications get dumped into human resources departments. And human resources is where resumes go to die.

It’s been my experience that HR folks are beaten down with a constant all-consuming concern they’re going to screw up and cause their company to be sued. They’re absolutely averse to risk, and will not take action of any kind unless there’s almost 100% certainty it won’t come back to haunt them.

Therefore, resumes are scanned (sometimes electronically) for a reason to reject it. That’s their function: to provide HR an excuse not to take further action. Every resume shitcanned is a problem solved, and another risky decision delayed.

I have no proof of this, but I believe the only reason anyone ever gets hired anywhere is because an executive finally blows a gasket and tells HR to quit their freakin' stalling. And unless you come onto the scene at the exact time that hissy-fit is being thrown, you’re screwed, brotha.

And that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid human resources, and going straight to the execs themselves. If my new method bears fruit, you ca

I have never received a single response from anything I’ve done at an internet job site. Since my “breakfast” in February I’ve been on six interviews with three companies, and exactly zero came about because of Monster or CareerBuilder or any of those outfits.

As best as I can tell they’re a complete waste of time, something akin to typing up a resume and cover letter then throwing it all into an open storm drain.

For the most part, I’ve now washed my hands of those websites. Oh, I’m still receiving their emails every day with a list of exciting new opportunities for me. And it’s usually stuff like spinal cord surgeon and assistant key-person at Lids - nothing in between.

I’m convinced internet job sites are the biggest scam this side of corporate consulting.

Human Resources One of the reasons the sites don’t work, I believe, is because resumes and applications get dumped into human resources departments. And human resources is where resumes go to die.

It’s been my experience that HR folks are beaten down with a constant all-consuming concern they’re going to screw up and cause their company to be sued. They’re absolutely averse to risk, and will not take action of any kind unless there’s almost 100% certainty it won’t come back to haunt them.

Therefore, resumes are scanned (sometimes electronically) for a reason to reject it. That’s their function: to provide HR an excuse not to take further action. Every resume shitcanned is a problem solved, and another risky decision delayed.

I have no proof of this, but I believe the only reason anyone ever gets hired anywhere is because an executive finally blows a gasket and tells HR to quit their freakin' stalling. And unless you come onto the scene at the exact time that hissy-fit is being thrown, you’re screwed, brotha.

And that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid human resources, and going straight to the execs themselves. If my new method bears fruit, you ca

It’s been my experience that HR folks are beaten down with a constant all-consuming concern they’re going to screw up and cause their company to be sued. They’re absolutely averse to risk, and will not take action of any kind unless there’s almost 100% certainty it won’t come back to haunt them.

Therefore, resumes are scanned (sometimes electronically) for a reason to reject it. That’s their function: to provide HR an excuse not to take further action. Every resume shitcanned is a problem solved, and another risky decision delayed.

I have no proof of this, but I believe the only reason anyone ever gets hired anywhere is because an executive finally blows a gasket and tells HR to quit their freakin' stalling. And unless you come onto the scene at the exact time that hissy-fit is being thrown, you’re screwed, brotha.

And that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid human resources, and going straight to the execs themselves. If my new method bears fruit, you can rest assured I’ll soon be holding a “free” seminar about it at a Ramada Inn ballroom near you. Watch your newspapers for details.

Four year college degrees I don’t have a degree, and was convinced it must surely be one of the more popular shitcan-triggers amongst HR folks.

But, to my surprise, it hasn’t been as big a deal as I’d feared. Certainly I’ve encountered companies that dig in their heels about such things, and there have been some unpleasant experiences because of it.

I attended a job fair, for instance, and approached a corporation I was (am) interested in. The woman seemed friendly, and took my resume with much enthusiasm. Then I watched her skip over my entire work history, and go straight to the education section.

My seventeen years of real and relevant experience were just tossed aside, and all she wanted to know is whether or not I have a four-year degree. It didn’t seem to matter if it was in Physical Education, Herbology, or the Dark Arts.

Once she received my answer, I was treated like a man wearing a sash of sewage. She handed my resume back as if she believed it to be smeared with post-pub diarrhea. It was quite a demoralizing afternoon for your corpulent correspondent.

But, for the most part, companies seem to require a degree or a comparable amount of experience. And that’s been one of the more pleasant Things I’ve Learned.

Career counselors My former employer offered to pay for six months of career counseling, reportedly to help ease the pain of transition. I’m from West Virginia and don’t usually go in for such fancy-pants things, but my wife convinced me to give it a try.

And it’s been extremely helpful. Since I hadn’t really been on a job interview in more than seventeen years, I had a lot to learn. I didn’t know (or believe) I had a lot to learn, but I did. Those folks got me prepared for the “modern” job interview.

They also helped with my resume, rejecting it four or five times and making me crazy. It irritated me while I was doing yet another re-write of the thing, but the final product is very good indeed.

I sat through several classes and seminars there, during the early days of panic, and it helped me mentally. I always came away feeling hopeful and optimistic, and found myself clinging to the place like a life raft.

Now I’m at a point where I just call my contact for advice and opinions when needed, I don’t attend many of the seminars these days. But it remains a valuable resource. The man knows his stuff, and is a good person to have in your corner.

I’m glad I was talked into it. I wouldn’t have gone on my own. You know, because I’m from West Virginia.

Treatment by family and friends One of the more frustrating consequences of this ordeal is the way some folks insist on treating me. There’s a slight pitying tone to their voice, and it seems like they’re being very careful with the words they choose, etc. As if I’m teetering on the edge of sanity, and one wrong move might be all it takes.

I’m sure they mean well and all, but I don’t much care for it. I’m no delicate flower, and don’t need to be tip-toed around. My job was eliminated, and that’s certainly a kick to the eggs, but it hasn’t affected my DNA. I’m still the same person I was on February 25.

My mother-in-law visited us a couple of weeks ago, and told my wife she worries that I might be “suicidal.” This is some kind of Oprah crap she brought with her, along with her water-driven lung machine, and it has no basis in reality. I busted out laughing when I heard about this latest drama. Suicidal, my big riffled ass. Her mind was made up about it before she even left her house.

On the other end of the spectrum is a guy at my old office, a person I once considered to be a friend. As soon as the work-bond was broken, our “friendship” ended. I called him a couple of times after I left, and we didn’t really have anything